the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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