I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Also, beer. Big fan.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize