Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
