6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
