Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
this boner is exhausting
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
