where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
