peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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