the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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