So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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