she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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