You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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