You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
