She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
