apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
