Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
