Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
