I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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