its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
