Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
