i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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