not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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