I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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