Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
