Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
