is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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