ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
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