while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
