Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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