The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
