I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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