You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
