I want to stick my p in your. b.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
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