I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
