I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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