I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
