Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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