just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
