I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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