No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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