I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
is that a dick in a sweater?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
