I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
