Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
