im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
