I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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