Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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