When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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