The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
