dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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