dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
