I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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