White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
