SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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