we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
