I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
