people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
