in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
