I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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