I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you traded sex for a burrito?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
