i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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