i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
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Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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