a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
