i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize