okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Drake has all the answers
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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