Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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