i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
