He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
